My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
selena gomez
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”