I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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Birds & Planes.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that