Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I get distracted pretty eas
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending