(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Cndnsd Mlk
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”