Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me trying to reach for my goals