My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
“Huge”.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.