I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You Might Also Like
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.