*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
This story is comedy gold 😂
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football