ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
doing some research
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco