Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”