Worst Native American name ever.
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Meeeee too!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.