When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident