as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Mad Max: Furry Road
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red