Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
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3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Received some very disappointing news today
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late