I laughed at this way too hard.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
BaD BoY!!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Stop sending me this shit.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.