The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope