me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
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[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.