[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
tis the season
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.