[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
The days of good grammer has went
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?