My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*