“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
How do you milk an almond?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.