Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔