Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
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I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs