A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You Might Also Like
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM