He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
You Might Also Like
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.