If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
No way!
Namaste
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I’m half potato on my dad’s side