Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
these two trucks have the same bed length
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly