Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.