[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.