[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?