Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot