A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever