Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.