“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun