Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.