My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me, in DM rooms…
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*