My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined