deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Worth remembering.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.