The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Lmao
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities