If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
nice challenge
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.