猸愶笍 LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Why couldn鈥檛 the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i鈥檚.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
The 4 stages of a family vacation
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It鈥檚 a government agency for crying out loud
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you鈥檝e reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I鈥檓 dangling from a cliff
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it鈥檚 almost time for dinner.
4: if it鈥檚 not dinner time, it鈥檚 snack time.