When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Current mood: Potato
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!