My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure