[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Children of the corn 🌽
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.