Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
What a website
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping