I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god