I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER