WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
when someone rings the doorbell
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If a snake ate a cake
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*