The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
when you are just born a rebel
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol