When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.